I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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