Screwed.edu
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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