Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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