Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
