Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
