My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
the liver wants what the liver wants
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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