Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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