I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize