Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
