Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
