Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
