I didn't shave. On purpose
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
