There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
