You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
