i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
