I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
