First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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