i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
