I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
