I think I died a long time ago.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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