I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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