I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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