remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
