You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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