My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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