We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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