you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
