I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
