he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
