I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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