When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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