Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
