I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
