he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Everyone says I win the strip club
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
