The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
