She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize