I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
