I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You took a bar mat shot.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
