my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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