im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
