Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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