so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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