Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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