we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
