I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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