he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
