i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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