Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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