Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize