My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
