First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
