if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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