Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
