Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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