Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
