Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
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